Car Washes

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One thing I've got to say about California. They still have manned car washes!I thought they were long gone.  I thought that dealing with people who wipe your cars down were long gone and tipping them, conversing with them were long gone. 

In WA, it was all automatic, drive through car washes where you do not get out of the car at all.  You just sit in there and pretend you're tripping on some colorful hallucinogens then the scrubbers hitting the side of your car to scrub.  Next comes the squeeze thing that removes most of the moisture and the blow air to dry the car and you go on your merry way.  That is what I have gotten used to in WA.  I expected it to be the same on CA, because they were starting that out here before I left 20 years ago. But no, I'm seeing many establishments where you have to get OUT of the car, let the workers drive your car into the car wash and you watch from the windows inside the little market inside where you can buy air fresheners, new wind wipers, chamois leather, turtle wax etc etc. and you pay for the car wash, the manual labor, go sit outside, find your car and wait for somebody to whip their towel in the air to signal the car was done.  Despite having paid for the manual labor at the check out... you still have to hand the worker some tip as a thank you for doing the job. 

Personally I prefer the self serve approach.  It costs less, and you interact less with people.  On the same token... you interact less with people so you miss out on interesting things. My scale weights heavier on less people. What say you?

picture above is of lady liberty in gold holding a sword downwards in

one hand, and a scale in her other hand which is held high with the two scales

Lady Liberty is blindfolded and she is wearing a greek era dress. Everything in 

picture are gold or golden.

WA Girl in the State of California

I was born and raised in California.  Then I moved to Seattle, Washington and lived there for nearly 20 years.

While I was living in WA, I missed parts of CA, sure.  I missed the Pacific ocean, the sea... I missed some areas and some living beings in the state.  I missed certain places and laws and freedom that WA does not afford.  I had plans for what I would do when I got back to California.

Nothing ever goes according to plan.

California is still beautiful.  But it is insanely... stupid. It is slow on the uptake, behind on accessibility laws, downright unfriendly in most places.

For example, in WA... I almost never ever had to even ASK for an ASL interpreter for any of my appointments.  They were always available and ready.  I had the same Dr for almost 17 years who knew everything about me.  Here in CA... I can't find a primary care doctor to even accept me as a new patient, not even one. I can't get my medication refilled.  They never get an interpreter for any of my appointments so I have to bring my mother or my sister with me, and now my family know everything about me and my medical history... can you say NO privacy? I feel so awkward at 47 years old with the gossip going through like wildfire in the name of "FAMILY AFFAIRS"-- uh... no.  I did not move to CA for THIS.  It is so unfair.

Yes, it is nice to be back among family, but shit, I miss my privacy.  I miss boundaries and having my own space.  It is so unsettling.

It is HOT.  Like 100 degrees HOT everyday where I am.  I had gotten used to the daily 60 degrees weather in Seattle and I loved it.

This was not a good move. But I have to find a new normal.  I think we all have to uproot sometimes. I already uprooted once, when I made the decision to move OUT of CA 20 years ago... and it was the best thing I ever did.  Now, the move BACK?   Sigh. 

I saw something on Facebook that fit me perfectly.  I am just a WA girl living in California, printed on a sweatshirt or something.  That's me.

Should I die, feel free to accuse the state of California on my behalf. 

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This is life post-stroke for me.  I told most people it was minor, and it was. The effect was bigger than I let on though.

I have a friend who insists that no one can change.  Ever.  I was leaning towards agreeing with him almost totally but in the end... I decided that his theory was a little bit flawed. Yes, it is true that most people never change, EVER.  I agree with my friend most empathetically on that part... because I know many people who never tried to grow up and be better, to do better, to make changes... to even TRY. 

I have tried, and I have changed a lot. Most of my friends from childhood do not see it, but they have not seen me in person either so they have no right to judge and I don't care what they think either.

So.  Yes, I had a stroke on New Years Eve.  It was minor compared to many others and you will not see any droops on my face or any obvious signs on my body.  I have lost vision out of my dominant eye.  I am not complaining though.  I didn't start to get depressed about it until recently, because I'm not allowed to drive.  I haven't driven in 6 months and I miss it very much.  I miss the freedom of the open road... of being able to jump in and take off to where ever I want to go anytime I want to go.  I miss being independent like that.

ces't la vie, is that how you say it?


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Life

Hello!

So... now we have been in California for a month now.  Since we moved here...

My 75 year old mother fell and crushed her elbow into many, many pieces.  "Not a thousand, but many, many" said the orthopedic surgeon at Kaiser Emergency.  I privately nick named him Dr. Poindexter. A short, not fat but chunky nerd who has obviously worked very hard on on his looks... but nevermind that.  My mother is now in a plaster cast from her wrist to her shoulder... on her writing arm.  That woman is the worst patient in the world.  She is used to being artsy fartsy... being independent in her driving and housekeeping duties, using her hands to create and do things like sew...  and right now she is not allowed to do ANYTHING.  Must remain still.  And it is not working.

I have driven my car only once since arriving.  Having family nearby definitely has its perks.  My sister, who never cooks... is now cooking.  She is good at it . My other sister who never used to call... is now popping up all the time (ok that one is annoying.)

It had been just me and my mother for 20 years.  I've taken care of it all and now I must share.  It is hard to surrender, but I know I need to.  And I am trying.

My sister lives in a big 6 bedroom 4.5 bath house, and I am NOT used to that. I actually have my own wing, sort of. It is not a real wing, wing like in a mansion, but it's a small wing, nonetheless.  In this wing, there is my bedroom, my bathroom and an office. Nobody from any other part of the house can hear anything coming from my wing. It is surreal.  Here we will stay until our house in Seattle sells and we can buy another place of our own.  We are like flowers in the attic. (not really... it just sounded like the thing to say...) . We are going to find a much smaller house and hopefully find our new normal as soon as we can.

In my part of the state... there is a Panda Express on nearly every corner. I have never seen so many of this place anywhere else. They are everywhere!!! Most grocery stores carry gluten free, diary free, low carb versions of everyday staples. Even the Panda Express has a gluten free item or two. Never saw that anywhere else.

I have not seen the ocean yet.  It still calls to me.  I am, however, going to take a quick trip to Lake Tahoe in the next week.  While it is not an ocean itself, it is a large, large lake with water that resemble the Pacific Ocean in some areas.  I cannot wait!

Mister Trump's national alert just rang off my phone.  I am not sure how I feel about that... the government is definitely sticking their hands in where they don't belong.  Oh wait, that is "normal".  In a country where it is OK for any man to sexually violate any woman and get away with it.  Yeah, it really is okay (major, major eye roll)

Truth be told, I do NOT like Trump.  I know there are a lot of people out there who do, and thats OK.  Just don't shove it down my throat.  Even those of you who have love for our current President... must be embarrassed by some of the things that come out of his mouth.  You can see his aides behind him sniggering behind their hands or openly trying to restrain laughter at the stupid things that come out of the Mister's mouth.  And sooo many face palms in sight.  Since he was made President I have been hopeful that he would prove us naysayers wrong. I don't like the man, but I was still very hopful he would bring about positive changes... and I must admit he HAS made changes.  I am just not sure his methods are admirable... but then again I think of myself and realize I am just like him in so many ways. My methods are something people cringe at but they DO bring about needed changes so I should shut the f up and stop being so hypocritical.

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Moved

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I have relocated to California.  This is not permanent, but these pictures are what I get to look at everyday for the unforeseeable future. It brings me a lot of peace, although not as much as looking at the sea would.  I live much closer to the ocean now and will get to visit my old haunts soon.

Tilting on the axis

I've been thinking and thinking.  Ever since losing my job, my brain has turned into mush and I am not using my thinking cap as much as I ought to.

I want to write.

Life has changed so much since my last post, I hardly know who I am anymore.

Since I am a different person now, should I start a new, fresh blog?  Or shall I continue on this page?  Decisions, decisions...

I think I will start a new page. This page no longer represents who I am, although my furbabies are still my world.

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Our Yard, Land of the Free and the Brave

Seeing the dog's eyes go into full joyful mode and experiencing the full body exhurbrance... was blind blowing and laughter inducing. 

We got a fence around our tiny property. Enough said. We gave the dogs the world and they took to it like fish to water. 

 

       

Selfishness

Selfishness is on my mind today... and has been for at least a month or two.

I used to think... if someone committed suicide, it made them selfish for doing so. Leaving behind people who hurt because the suicidal is no longer there. Leaving behind a wake of grief and pain.

Now, I no longer think that.

The person who feels suicidal feels that way for a reason.  Perhaps the people in her life are not giving of themselves, are not realizing that she is in peril. They are the ones who are too busy to notice the creeping silence... the ones who are too agonized with their own lives that they don't "have time to" look at anyone else except themselves.  The people who say that their plates are too full and essentially shuts down the one who is already in a spiral downward.

Who is the selfish one here?

You are responsible for your own happiness, yes.  That is true.  So, when everything that has made you happy in the past is all gone... and you cannot find new avenues to pursuit so you reach out to your friends and family for help or direction... and they cannot take five minutes to talk to you or to say hello or send a smile your way.

I have struggled with mental illness my entire life. Unless you have experienced that, you cannot call anybody selfish.  That is just my two cents.  What are your cents saying?

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To Coconut or not?

 Coconut Oil... It's whats supposed to be good for ya.

I tried lathering coconut oil on my skin.  It was supposed to make my skin baby soft. Perhaps it did; I don't remember because all I know is I smelled like fried chicken and I could not get it off fast enough.

It is supposed to help with indigestion and heart burn. But the taste? HORRIBLE.

It is supposed to make your hair shiny and soft when you shampoo it in... but I would never try that. Fried chicken, remember?

If you get a sunburn, coconut oil is supposed to help take away the sting. But I would not know, I am so transparent white that any color I should have gotten over this summer has sunk in that I am barely making ground zero on the barometer.  (I went to Las Vegas for a week, did not even get sunburnt... even though it was 100+ degrees there the whole time.  I spent hours using the pressure washer on my driveway on a very hot day for Seattle, and nope, not even a tan.)  So, see, no sunburn for me to try coconut oil on.

There are so many uses and purposes for coconut oil-- you could look it up and you'd find hundreds, if not thousands of reasons why you should use it.

One of the uses is called oil pulling (don't even try, Little Lotta!) in which you swish this mass of coconut oil in your mouth for 20 minutes and it supposedly draws out all the toxic stuff that causes gingivitis, bad breath, headaches, the common cold, yadda yadda out of your mouth.  I decided to give this a try.

Yuck.  Double YUCK. The taste is HORRIBLE, the texture is equally gross. See, it is solid at room temperature. In your mouth it melts instantly into, you guessed it, OIL. The flavor is nauseating.  I managed to swish for all of two seconds on the first try. I read up some more on it and found out YES, you can rinse with warm water afterwards.  So I tried again. I managed four minutes. Then five.  I cannot see how you'd do it for 20 minutes... but maybe I'll get there. As or the benefits... well, admittedly... my mouth does feel cleaner.  I cannot explain it. It just does. Especially after rinsing out with warm water.   And my teeth ARE a mite bit whiter.  Take that, Crest Whitening Toothpaste!

I'm still brushing my teeth, mind you. I am just going to do the coconut swishing for awhile to see what else it does for me.

I do have to say, as I sit here thinking on it... that my taste buds have exploded recently. I did not attribute it to the coconut oil swishing though, but perhaps that does have something to do with it. It literally cleansed my palate?  My usual dish of Ravioli in Alfredo Sauce from Olive Garden is suddenly bursting with more flavor than ever. I could not get enough of the sauce. YUM!  And then at McDonald's the other day, I found that they do have a sandwich similar to what I posted last time. BBQ sauce, bacon strips on a cheeseburger.  I asked for a chicken patty instead.  The BBQ sauce was SO AWESOME. I could not believe how good it was. I could not wait to have another. Alas.

Perhaps... coconut oil will aid in my overall oral health but ultimately be the leading cause of my upcoming massive heart attack.  SAUCES.  YUMMMM.
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I am so craving this.

A cheeseburger... Charbroiled... BBQ sauce and bacon and onion rings. It just sounds very good to me.

I'm allergic to onions but will eat fried onion rings.





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Isabella On Her Perch

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Stray Dog

Have you ever felt like your mind was going in a million directions... that you could see and understand nearly all of these different ideas and thoughts and that if you kept it up, your head would explode?

Perhaps this is a mundane premise to a blog post, but this is what I've been feeling lately.

I feel like I understand and see so much more than I used to. I feel like I understand every avenue presented to me... about life and everything that encompasses it.  What I cannot decide is which avenues I prefer.  I would prefer not to have a preference, if that makes any sense. I wish I could be neutral in every way. I want to be Switzerland in this sense.  I don't want anybody mad at me, hurting anybody's feelings or step on anybody's toes. I want everybody to be who they are, in their own way... without discrimination.

Guess what? It isn't possible. At all.

If you truly want to be your whole natural self and nothing else, you WILL hurt other people. You cannot avoid it. I have always thought that every individual for the caring of his/her own soul... but that's also inconceivable. You will have an impact on anybody and everybody in a tiny small way or in a big bang kind of way.

My mind has been blown wide open, yet has shut itself down like at the same second it was blown open. I know that doesn't make any sense.

I don't suppose *I* make any sense to anybody, anyway.

I can imagine being told to relax, to not take life so seriously.

(Moe just got married on Pitbulls and Parolees, yay!!)

We rescued a stray puppy the other day. It was happily trotting down the street... not a care in the world. Her tail was wagging and her demeanor was calm. She was a maltese, but certainly the smallest adult maltese I've ever seen. If she had turned left, she would have been in the middle of a lot of traffic. If she went right, she would get lost in the wilderness of our neighborhood.  A rescue was imminent. So we called to her and she came over and we gathered her up in our fat arms and snuggled her.  She did not even quiver or shake in fear.  She just mellowed out so completely it was rather strange.  As if it was meant to be. As if this happened all the time and was nothing new to her.

Unfortunately, she had a collar and a tag with an owner's number on it. Of course we called the owner. We got the two reunited, but it was a bittersweet moment. I wanted to keep this little pup. So very cute and "adult"... so very calm and poised. You wanna scratch my under belly over there? Ok, let me raise my leg and get it out of your way.  Oh you're moving over to the other side? Ok, let me raise my other leg for you. Scratch all you will.  Just like that. And me, a stranger? She's never met me in her life and she was as calm as can be. I was gobsmacked and in love.

I am used to neurotic dogs. Dogs who have developed a weird personality and are set in their ways. Perhaps they make more sense to me. This buttercup was surreal.  I wanted to keep her.  Perhaps she could have taught me the finer points of life.

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A Title Is Beyond this Post. X-Rated In Parts. No Pictures.

For somebody who has no sex life, I've been felt up deeply and closely observed twice in a week.  Isn't that weird.

I never really realized that there was such a thing as re-virginizing yourself. Just don't have sex for a minimum of 10 years, and you'll shrink back to q-tip size tiny again.

If you are a woman, you'll hopefully know what I am talking about.  If you're male, I apologize in advance.   If you're in between, you're going to either already know what I am talking about or you are about to learn. It ain't easy being a woman.

I am currently watching Orange Is the New Black. Still on Season one, but I've learned so much in the terminology and slang area. You know, being in prison, your Voo-hoo stretches, and it will be like a rattlesnake in a hallway.  The lady who got that told to her wanted to stop doing lesbian things so she could shrink back to her normal size for the fiance she had waiting on the outside.  WHAT do lesbians do to a woman that makes their hoo-ha stretch that much?!  I am not a lesbian, but I've seen plenty of scenes.  And damn, when Alex threatened to lick someone while they were sleeping, her description of that itself was ahhhh-mazing. Why can't a guy learn that move?! Guys, if you're reading this... go watch season one of OITNB. When Alex is threatening another woman in the laundry room, LISTEN VERY CLOSELY. You shall be enlightened.

Ahem. Back to my post. I had a biopsy last week of the uterus. The endometrius walls. Boys and Men, avert your eyes for this next phrase. I've been dropping blood clots every time I pee, every day even when I am not on a cycle. So that appeared to be a problem in my Dr's opinion.... so a biopsy was performed and all the trappings of a regular pap smear had to be done. The specultum (plastic scissor like thing I cannot spell) opened me wide and that hurt like a mother. Nothing has been up there in so long, and to be so rudely invaded and then stretched to maximum?  Ouch.  And the biopsy part hurt like hell.  Then I had to schedule an ultrasound of the bladder. That was today. I was prepared for warm jelly on the belly and the handheld scanner to be going all over my stomach.

I was NOT prepared for it to be shoved up my hoo-hoo. And let me tell you, that thing was decently sized. I have not had anything of that size up my canal in 10+ years, so that was a shock. I can't say it was an unpleasant shock, but a shock nevertheless.

Then the technician twisted her hands and moved the scanner around. INSIDE. Oh my. Then she twisted her hands the other direction and I had to take a very deep breathe. Lesbian scenes from OITNB came to mind.  So this is how you stretch your uterus making lesbian love?   Interesting. Very interesting.  I learned a lot, y'all.  College experimentation taught me nothing compared to this and the TV show.

I am peeing in a new direction now and that's not a joke. I am seriously peeing very much more backwards. How does that happen?!

I should get results of the biopsy and the ultrasound sometime this week.

I gave Louis his walking papers. He's still hoping we'll be good friends... and I am willing to give that a try but nothing more. If he steps over the line it's all over. I am going to sic my Sauer carrying Mama on him if he does that. You know who you are.

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Ice Cream Cake

So, I tried to make an ice cream cake.  The cake portion came out BEAUTIFUL. You know that freshly baked cake smell?  Oh my gosh, for once my house smelled WONDERFUL!!!! 

It was perfect in color, smell, consistency.

Still perfect in color, smell, consistency in different lighting.

Oh I was so happy. I can never make a perfect cake, but hey, first time for everything! 

Now the ice cream part. All I did was sit the carton out for about 20 minutes and let it soften up, then I dumped it all in a pan and molded it until it was even on top. Then I let it freeze overnight. I took it out of the pan and wrapped it up in saran wrap and put it back in the freezer while I baked the cake.

The next day, I put two together and added frosting... giving us the very first homemade ice cream cake I've ever made.

Looks like a success, yes?  My mother wanted buttercream frosting.  So I had vanilla cake. Vanilla ice cream and now she wanted vanilla buttercream frosting.  I started getting sick at the thought of all that sugar. So what did I do? I threw in a can of milk chocolate ready made frosting, just for a difference in taste. This was the result. 

Unfortunately, while it appears to be a success by just looking at it... it was a flop.  I knew it would be too sweet. One skinny slice and we said our goodbyes to it.  It wasn't sticking around. 

Except, I really did like the cake part. So I wiped the frosting off, got rid of the ice cream and kept the cake part. The cake part was good, so good. But I don't think I can eat it now. I've had my fill of sugar for a decade, I think. Yuck. 

My mother did have a good day for her birthday. 

And my sugar craving is back. Damn Aunt Flo.

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A Gate To Nowhere

This is an old gate which now leads to nowhere. There used to be a buffalo farm on this land and I suppose this was part of the homestead. It is now packed with new development houses. 

So this is, quite simply... an old gate.

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Assuming

Next week I have a mammogram. Then in a few weeks I need to have a biopsy of my downtown woman parts. Fun stuff. 

So, that is all I have, looking ahead on the horizon... I am no longer going to look past this week. The future will come when it comes. That is all there is to it. I am not going to worry about next year. 

Which makes this very appropriate for my relationship with my mother, as it is right now. 

No more worrying about something that may not happen when you expect it to.

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Everything Is Changing

My outlook of life is changing once again.

I am not sure which outlook is better, but I suspect I had it right up until last year. And I am endeavoring these days to get back to that place.

Losing my job hasn't been a bad thing so far. Yes, I've been broke money-wise but that will be okay for a little while longer.

I am going to die single and thats the way I think I want it.  Just me and my fur-babies and my 30 new rescue cats that will come along in a few years.

I've been trying to be more sociable... I've been trying to put in a major effort in peopling my life. At first it was going fine. It was going good. I got involved in several groups on Facebook which shot my social life up sky high and I just... sailed with it for a few months. Lately though... I've been weeding back and leaving more and more groups... and I think I will quit groups altogether and try to go back to who I was before Louis came along.

I wish Louis never started.

I'm not saying it was a bad experience. It just isn't of interest to me anymore. I wish I never sent him a consolidation message back in January when his mother died, because that is how the whole pursuit began. Actually the pursuit began 30 years ago... for him... I just didn't know it until this year.

It is a situation that is still ongoing; the man does not have the sense to realize I'm gone yet.

Yes, I wish Louis never started, but at the same time, it was a grand learning experience. I re freshened my memory on what I wanted out of life and changed a few things and realized what I did not want to change and all that doodoo.

I have learned to let go of a lot of things that were dragging me down. I've learned what I want to refine... what I want to keep up.  It is kind of like I knew all along, but I got seriously distracted for a while there.

I guess you could say I am trying, once again, to come back... with new things added in.
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PANTpantPANT

I am sorely in need of a haircut. My hair has seriously grown long. I have been trying to let it grow out because somebody asked me to... and I've decided... its MY hair. I will do with it what I like. 

Bella too.

I've been telling you, its HOT here in Seattle. 

Poor girl is feeling it.

 Buddy too, but you can hardly tell . Buddy is not camera friendly. 

We got them in to the groomers last week though, and they are so much happier.
Buddy, unfortunately is not feeling too camera friendly. He looks away EVERY TIME. But Bella is a girl, and she is very girly girl in the sense that she wants to show off. She looks so LITTLE!!!

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Stepping Back In

I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to remember how to post on my blog. Isn't that dumb?! I have been blogging since 2007, never missed a month until now. I could not figure out how to make a new post!!! 

Eventually I logged out and logged back in and there it was. (shaking my head)

(Bella in front of fan)

This is what we all have been doing as of late. It is the hottest summer we've had here in Seattle, for the longest period of time. We sit in front of fans and directly in the path of the breeze, when there is one to be found. 

You hear people say it rains so much in Seattle?  Have them recheck their facts. It has not rained here in forever. We're swathering in 85-97 degrees heat. 

Okay, granted, it USED to rain a lot in Seattle. Which was why most houses did not require air conditioning. I grew up in Southern California and we always had AC... if you did NOT have an AC, it was weird. But up here, it is strange if you DO have an AC. 

Most people are kicking themselves for not having one put in years ago. I love my portable AC, but it only cools one room at a time. My bedroom is the coldest spot in the house, and I don't mind one bit. I am a snuggler, and you cannot snuggle in this heat... so having a cold bedroom at night is nice. 

Bella:  Let me get a look at you. It's been a while now!

But... I can't really get a good look...

Ah, this angle makes it better. Now you look familiar!

XOXOXO

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My Stubborn Dog

In the hustle and bustle of life... I tried to scurry my dog onward to go potty outside.  He was kind of not listening and I was getting a little irritated. 

"Come on boy, c'mon...c'mon!!! Let's go potty!!!" 

My dog paced this way then the other way. He looked up at me dolefully. 

"Freddy!! I'm in a hurry... Would you please go outside and tinkle??"

The little fur guy just sat. His big black eyes rolled at me. 

"Freddy!!  FREDDY come on!! Let's get rolling!!" 

"FRED-DY!!!!!" I wailed. 

The dog tentatively stood up on all fours and he stepped forward a single step with his head lowered, not meeting my eyes. He could hear the frustration in my voice. 

I decided to try a different tactic. A more happy and exciting one. "Come on Freddy!  Let's go weewee!!!"  I danced towards the sliding doors leading to the backyard. 

Why was the gobsmacking little guy not going outside?! It is usually his favorite thing to do!!! "Outside!" Is his favorite word?!

"Freddy, Freddy, Freddy!!! Let's go outside!!!" I danced in place by the open patio door. 

The little guy... Bless his ever loving heart... Started to lift his lips in a kind of pouting grimace. It's an expression you just know you have to see to believe. 

I stopped mid-chant... taking notice of his lifted lips and his large big round sad, sad eyes. He was trying to tell me something in his silent, proud and not so rebellious way.  More of a desperate stand up for myself kind of way. 

I pondered. This little dog and I was having a little stand-off. Who did he think he was... Staring up at a big tall human being such as myself... Compared to his little tiny 10 pound self? Barely a foot high? Granted it was mostly fur and he did need a haircut but he sure had a lot of personality. 

A weak wag of the tail. "Sweetie, Baby, Honey, Cooki-" and then it hit me. 

Looking down at my little brave heart of a dog... I gasped. His tail began wagging more and more. Oh no....

He knew I "got" it, finally.  I had been calling this furball "Freddy."  Freddy, his best pal... His leader and brother in everything good and bad. His companion for the night and day. Freddy who died months ago.

What Buddy was trying to say was that HE was not Freddy. He wishes with all his heart that he could BE Freddy. he would do anything he possibly could to be Freddy for me... If only it was remotely possible. 

But it wasn't possible. He could only be Buddy in all his own glory. Wasn't that good enough?? 

I scooped my dog up and snuggled him, kissed him, loved on him with a tear escaping from the corner of my eye. 

I felt so guilty and heartbroken. He licked the tears off my cheek and then stiffened in my arms. Oh yeah. He still needed to pee. 

He just had to make sure I remembered his name and who he was before he left my doorstep to take care of business.  You know. In case he got blown away like a tumbleweed in the desert and I would need to call him home by his proper name. Buddy. Nobody else, just Buddy. 

    Brave heart Buddy, circa 2013

                 Freddy, RIP 2013